1 + 1 = 3

So I'm happily married for 1 month and 9 days now.
It was at the wedding that the questions began, "When are you having kids?"

The most often used answer I provide is: "When we're ready."

I am very aware that more often than not no one is ever ready to bring a baby into the world.
I'm sure people prepare and prepare for a baby. Making the baby's room yellow because they don't want to assume whether or not they're having a girl or a boy.
Taking every class there is. Child CPR, you know, just in case, because you're never going to be so awful as a parent to let your child have tiny toys to om nom no--choke on.
Buying all the protective stuff, like the things you slap onto corners so they don't impale their face... or so you don't impale your shins on the coffee table when running after the little tyke because he/she is high tailing it right for your big fancy screen and hi fi system because Elmo is there and maybe the kid is going too fast and that TV is expensive and you can't live with a crappy TV ever again...
..ahem...
Cooing over baby names and what you want to name the child if it's a girl...or what if it's a boy... then maybe Dan...
I don't know.

There's a lot to prepare for when having a child and the only thing you can never prepare is yourself, your mind.
I'm sure there's a slight adrenaline rush when you finally miss the first day of your period and all you want to do is buy that little stick to pee on.
You pee on the stick and some how all over your hands, but you don't care, you might be pregnant!
So you wait patiently for, what is it, three minutes... ok, maybe not patiently, but I'm sure your just as excited husband even set the timer just so you can be sure.
You get that OMG YOU'RE PREGGERS line and it's nothing but joy and you can finally finish peeing.*

Then there's 9 months of side effects.
Different for everyone, but there are the usuals... vomiting, drinking vinegar, weird habits, crankiness... mood swings... etc.
There are also the it-happens-but-you-don't-want-to-be-the-one-to-admit-it things... like scared to have sex because the baby might kick him in the wiener or something...

THEN the one part you're never ready for: actually giving birth.
You just spent nine months rubbing your belly and cooing at your belly, and you may or may not know the sex of the baby, but you played Mozart for the baby because that's supposed to make it smart...
Then your water breaks and you're not sure if you just peed or you're ready to give birth, but all hell breaks loose, you're in pain, there's adrenaline and excitement and fear, and then all of a sudden you're thinking, "what the fuck, what if we're not ready for this baby!?"
Then you're in pain and when your squeezing out the baby and praying you don't poop on the table you're making sure you did everything right and also hating your husband or baby's daddy at least for doing this to you and it's all hell for like 16 hours until that sucker has been unclipped from your innards, cleansed of the placenta which some religions suggest you eat...I just gagged...
Then you have this wee little wrinkly baby in your arms, your vagina feeling like it could easily hold an 8 pound bowling ball and in agonizing pain, and all you want is a cheeseburger.

Hopefully, that's what it's going to be like for my husband and I. So, like I said, when we're ready.

*I don't know if any of this is true, but it's how I like to think things are when you're actually trying to make a baby.