Huey, Would you like to buy a Buick?

Dear Facebookers,

Some of you do something that make me want to sell Buicks. (For those of you not in the know, it means I would like to puke.)
Now, to get specific, it is you married folks that do it for me.
I get it, you're happily married. You love your significant other and couldn't be any happier.

I know this, because I, too, am happily married and I love my husband and couldn't be any happier. Here's the thing though, I have absolutely no intentions of setting my status as "ickle wickle cutesy poopsy wuv notes to my sweet hubby wubby shmumpkins because I wuvs you so much yes I do!"
That's the kind of thing that you post on their wall.
Unless your "cutesy poopsy wuvvable hubby wubby" is fixing the sink or changing a lightbulb, I don't want to hear it.

So please, if you want everyone to know how much you "wuv your sweet widdle cutesy poopsy amazeringest" husband/wife, just post it to their wall. We'll still see it.

It's posts like that which make me want to vomit.

There are other things my fellow facebookers do which exasperate me.

The Caps lock enthusiast:

I don't know what your deal is. There is no need to shout. Typing in all caps lock doesn't even look better. If you, for some reason, are unable to read regular text, just magnify the screen. You have the scroll button, click it and scroll until you can read.

The Baby Picture:

There are /very/ few exceptions to this rule. Actually, I only know one exception out of all my friends who can post their child as their user picture and I know who it is just by the picture.
If you want your user picture to have your child in it, please, be in the picture too.
There are too many times where things like that can get awkward. "Hey baby, last night was awesome," as a wall post when the picture is their child can be kind of creepy...

The Pet Picture:

See Baby Picture.

The Twitterer:

This is Facebook, not Twitter. I mean, for real?

My personal favorite...

Dumb and Deep:

You post song lyrics sometimes. You post your own personal feelings. You say something romantic...
I would be impressed if you spelled it correctly and didn't abbreviate.
"I'm right here in front of you and I can't stop shaking. come on and hold me still. Take my heart love, until I, cuz I feel as though I've never seen beauty until this night"
So close, yet so far away.
That is a direct quote.
There are also the ones which their posts are nothing but song lyrics. The best part is when it's nothing but song lyrics from the same band every time. Your status updates are nothing but The Beatles (Across the Universe, let's get specific) lyrics. It would be one thing if it was all just The Beatles, but no, it's only anything and everything from Across the Universe.
Stop it. Disco Stu hates Disco.


Don't worry. I don't expect you to stop what you're doing. People like you for who you are. I just hide your updates. It's easier that way. I like to keep my braincells.